Desperate!..one year later

This was written a year ago. It's a letter that I wrote to God expressing my deepest sympathy and regret for dishonoring Him (to say the least). I pray that it will be helpful to someone.


~ My Heart Upon A Letter ~

All I wanted was to walk upright before God. To live a life that's pleasing to God. I seemed to be doing so well in the beginning but somehow it all got turned around. I am not who I thought I was. Nor am I as strong as I thought I was and presently, neither am I as strong as I seem to be. I am not doing what God wants me to do, but rather doing the works of the flesh, which as Romans tells us is only bearing fruit of death. I don't feel good at all. Through it all I am trying to keep the faith...believing that God will somehow pull me out of all of this. I am still holding to that faith, yet I cant deny the sorrow that I feel and the shame that I have for myself and letting God down greatly. I feel like a failure.

Is it all a part of God’s plan for me to be tried like this? Has he allowed the devil to consider me for trial? If so, I am failing significantly. Throughout it all Job held is ground, yet I am quickly falling apart.

[BREAK]

I don't know what to do! I'm lost! Evn my funds seem to be cursed as a result of all of this, Ive never been so out of touch with God. This just cant be right. GOD HELP ME! PLEASE!

Lord Jesus, I just want to live a life that's pleasing to You. I know I don't control my own life and that You above all people know the plan for my life. It would be foolish of me to say that I didn't ask for any of this hardship to come upon me, when I know for a fact that I have done nothing deserving of your blessings either. Lord you know what's best for me. I leave it in Your hands. I am asking for forgiveness Lord. For restoration. I want to get back to that place that I was in You and go even higher from there. Lord I ask that You hide me from the world, as well as from myself that I may not become my own enemy.

Lord cleanse my heart. Chasten me Lord. Revive me. Renew me. Restore me Lord. Cleanse my heart, and wash me thoroughly from the inside out. Remove every trace of sin oh God and make me into what and who You would have me to be. Give me boldness Lord to declare your word and your return. Jesus I pray that Your glory be revealed in my life and that You would receive the glory out of my life.

I leave it in Your hands Jesus. I can't do anything else. I have failed.

Today, I am not who I was a year ago. So many things have changed in my life (for the better) and to God be all the glory.

My intentions for sharing this is for someone else to overcome through my testimony. I wrote a note earlier this year called "Just Be Real" which encourages us to just be honest with the Lord. You may not know how to get to God, or may even feel that you can go to Him, but you can! Just be honest with yourself, and be honest with HIM. Broken spirit, contrite heart... that's all he asks. Your dependency on Him. Relinquish your control and give it to Him.