My sister said you were a sore subject for me. I never really paid attention to it, but I think she may be right. Not that I shutdown at the mention of your name or anything, but I do get a little defensive. Why I don't know, but then again I think I do. But for the time being, I'll keep that thought to myself.
I will say, however, that I don't think I will ever love anyone the way I loved you. No, let me rephrase that -because I definitely can and will love whomever I'm with with EVERYTHING that is in me-I don't think I will ever give anyone what you had. Not that I'm incapable of doing so again, it was just too much exhausted in the end. I guess you can say Im now guarded a bit more.
At present, I remain a bit puzzled about how it all fell apart, or why it happened the way it did, but I do know that it was a situation I was NOT supposed to be in. I know God's hand was on me through it all, and still is. There's definitely something that He wants to complete in me that I was not allowing Him to do by being in the situation I was in. I constantly thought about His will for my life [and yours] throughout our time together (of course you know this) but for some reason couldn't think to do it till after I did what I wanted. Needless to say, God quickly shut that down and Im very grateful to Him for that! As much as it hurt me to lose you, in retrospect I'm finding that God truly knows what He's doing and that was the best thing for me and my relationship with Him.
Wow! I didn't even mean to write that, but you know...it came out like that.
What I WAS going to say was....
At present Im still a bit confused about the sincerity of our relationship on your part. Whereas I thought you could NEVER lie to me, when I found out that you could, I began to reconsider everything. So, at times I think on what was and Id say it was genuine love on your part, but then Id think on the "darker" days toward the end of our relationship and question whether or not the whole thing was a lie.
Even now it remains a puzzle to me, but I have to take it for what it is. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say you were true, but then I wouldn't have an explanation as to why you weren't consistent - especially when I know with certainty that I was very good to you. But you know, such is life...I guess I just have to live with not knowing.
As I said, I don't think I will ever give the next person what you had. Not that she'd be slighted, but I don't know, I think you'll always have THAT place in my heart - hense the "sore subject" whenever you're mentioned.
I just had alot invested in you -and in us and trying to make things work- it just would've been great for your yea to be yea and for you to have followed through with your end of the bargain.
So yeah...you win some, you lose some, but through it all, you live, you love, and you learn.
So much more to say, but I'll stop...ya'll don't need to be bored with my venting. :O)
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